Russell T Davies is a terrible writer and I hope he dies of cancer
Chances are, if you've seen any of Doctor Who in the last few years, or Torchwood, you already know that Russell T Davies is a terrible writer. But in case there's any confusion on this issue, or the far more important issue of how he's utterly ruined Doctor Who, I've decided to spell it out.
Part one
The Ood
OK, psychic aliens are nothing new in Doctor Who, nor are beings who can sense the future. Time Lords, even in the old series, were dimly aware of the future as they could sense the flow of time (one of the reasons they were able to develop proper time travel technology). But the Ood don't seem to sense the future so much as come out with cryptic bullshit that could be applied to any number of scenarios and only really makes sense after you already know the answer. So it makes sense that they're calling it a prophecy, but that's just the thing. Prophecies have no place in Doctor Who. It's supposed to be sci-fi. This supernatural shit is just wrong.
But there's one line here that really stands out. The Doctor mentions that the Ood are progressing way too fast and are obviously being influenced by some outside force. This is an obvious plot hook, it's clearly going to tie into the whole story of the episode, right? Apparently not. It never comes up again. Why is that line even there? What is its purpose?
But at least this bit is over fairly quickly and we move on to the next bit. Unfortunately, things are about to get worse.
The Master returns
We all knew the Master wasn't going to stay dead. He never does. It's one of his defining characteristics. But previously, it's always been because he found some way to escape what seemed to be certain death. He never actually died before (except in the movie, and we do not talk about the movie). But this time, he's dead and gone, until, in the words of the Wikipedia plot summary "a cult loyal to the Master perform a resurrection ritual, using genetic material from Lucy Saxon to complete the process".
What. The. Fuck.
Even though everyone's memories of the Master were supposedly erased, this "cult" remembers him somehow. This is never explained, they just do. Then they know this magic ritual to bring him back somehow. How? No need to explain, it's just magic! But they need some of his genetic material. You'd think that would be pretty hard to find, but apparently his wife's lipstick has some in it for some reason. Lipstick she's wearing even though she was locked up never to see the light of day again. The Master's DNA is still on her lips months later? I just... I can't even... What?
Oh, and then, just because you can't make it too easy, apparently there a a whole bunch of other people who also remember the Master who have been plotting against his cult this whole time, and they somehow manage to get their magic potion in to his wife, who uses it to... turn the Master into a vampire? Seriously? Did you write this script by just throwing random words at a piece of paper and seeing what sticks?
The Doctor can smell evil
So the Doctor shows up, and sets out to track the Master. But before he can do that, Donna's grandfather shows up. That guy was such a great character you just had to bring him back? Really? OK, whatever, that's a minor thing compared to the rest of this pile of shit, so we'll move on.
So how does the Doctor track the Master down? Well, by scent of course! Yes, apparently the Doctor can now smell the Master wherever he is. How? Magic again! Did no one question this? The Doctor can suddenly smell evil or something? And no, it wasn't a metaphor for some other sense, he was literally sniffing the air to track him down. Do you even remember what show you're writing any more, Russell? Did you get confused and think you were writing about a werewolf tracking down a vampire? How does this make sense to anyone?
The Drums
To cover this, we'll have to go back to when it started, That first story reintroducing the Master. Actually, we'll have to go back further. Let me tell you about the Master...
The Master was a genius. He was also painfully aware of the fact and incredibly arrogant and egotistical. And even stupid Time Lords make humans look like drooling retards. He was also a sociopath, and his ambition was to rule the universe and live forever. His greatest weaknesses were that he admired the Doctor too much, and believed that if he could just prove to the Doctor that his cause was worth pursuing, the Doctor would join him, and that he was far too confident in his own abilities. If the Doctor was around, the Master couldn't resist showing off. Secure in his belief that he couldn't fail, he would try to convince the Doctor to join him.
What he was not, was angry, violent, or driven mad by the sound of drums in his head. Sure, he killed people, but only as a means to an end. Never for the fun of it, or even because it was convenient. He didn't have a problem with hurting or killing people, but he didn't enjoy it, and he understood that dead people are generally less useful and more suspicious than living people.
Now let's look at the Master's first appearance in the new series. He beats his wife. Let me just repeat that in case you couldn't believe it the first time. He beats his wife, because he is an angry, violent, sadistic madman. What happened to the genius with his plans for taking over the universe? This guy's just a detestable loon.
Oh look, more people remember the Master
Did anyone really forget him? Even that homeless guy know who he was. But they say people forgot him, so I guess they must have, right? But here we are, a whole bunch of new people who remember him. They capture him and take him to their secret lair. And apparently they know he's an alien, too. Keeping a secret in this show is really hard, even if you erase everyone's memories.
More psychic messages
And now how will the Doctor track him? Apparently he can't smell him any more for some reason, so some other means will have to do. Oh, looks like Catherine Fucking Tate is psychic now. Problem solved. That was easy.
The Doctor's mother
Ooh, mysterious women with another fucking prophecy! I guess everyone's psychic now. Here I do have to give credit to RTD for the one good thing he ever did for the series; the movie (which we do not speak of) claimed that the Doctor's mother had been a human, but here she is a Time Lord. Looks like we can officially say that the movie is non-canon now. Thanks, RTD, you have earned one point in your favour. Hopefully this will go some way to helping you on the track to recovering the other ninety billion against you for everything else you have ever done in your entire life.
Green aliens
So, the Doctor and Donna's grandpa arrive at the place the Master is. Why is Donna's dad there? Who the fuck knows. I mean, don't we all bring stupid old guys along when trying to capture dangerous fugitives? No? Oh, my mistake.
Anyway, they discover there's this alien healing gate thingy there, and these green aliens who are trying to get it back. Of course, they could actually get it back any time they want, because they can just teleport stuff. But apparently, even though their people made it, they can't just take it home to get it fixed, they need a bunch of primitive humans to fix it for them, so they're waiting for the right moment.
Fortunately, the Master is able to fix the gate. There's no way this could go wrong! Oh, wait, the Master totally sabotaged it so he could use it for his own ends. Man, if you can't trust evil glowy-skull-faced vampires these days, who can you trust?
Millions of Masters
So the Master uses the gate to turn everyone in the world into a copy of himself. Now, do you remember what I said about the Master earlier, about how he wants to take over the universe and how he's really arrogant and egotistical? Why the fuck are all these Master clones just subserviently following the original's orders? Don't they all think they're the smartest person who ever lived and the one who should b ruling the universe? Why isn't there an immediate power struggle between all the Master clones? How could this seem like a good plan to anyone, let alone a genius?
Oh, and then there's the Master's quip about everyone on the planet now being part of the "Master race". Throwing in a Nazi reference for a quick laugh. Classy.
Rassilon, space wizard
Then we get the guy from the start, spouting more of his mystical space wizard crap. It can't have just been me, right? The guy totally sounded like a space wizard. And anyway, it turns out he's the President of the Time Lords. I could almost forgive RTD if he ended up retconning Gallifrey back in, but we all know he could never do that. No, he decides to piss all over continuity a bit more by making the president Rassilon. One of the Two Time Lords who gave their race time travel. The one who didn't get sucked into the antimatter universe and turn into a loon. In fact, last time he showed up, he was a good guy. He helped the Doctor and the Master prevent a corrupt politician from taking over Gallifrey and becoming immortal. But now apparently he's a frothing maniac.
OK, technically speaking, it's never made clear that it's the same guy. It could be that a new Time Lord has just been named after him. It seems a little disrespectful, but whatever. He's still a ridiculous space-wizard
Part two
Run away!
But where do you run when the whole planet's covered in enemies? Well, a handy spaceship's not a bad idea. So what's the first thing you do when you get there? Break everything! The last thing you want at a time like this is a functional space-ship or any means of getting... anywhere. So, now they're stuck on the ship and the Master is running Earth. Nice work, genius.
Magic diamond
So now the Time Lords use their time travel to make the Master insane as a child. The fact that this is an impossible time loop that makes no sense doesn't seem to bother anyone. Then they use the Master's insanity-causing drumbeat thingy to somehow send a magical diamond to Earth. If you didn't watch it and you think I'm oversimplifying, feel free to check. I'm not.
Somehow this diamond being on Earth lets the Master open up a way for the Time Lords to get there. And they bring their planet with them, 'cause why the hell not. It's not like having extra planets flying around the place could cause any problems. Gravity? What's that?
The Master attempts to turn all the Time Lords into him as well, because god knows he didn't have enough clones already. Fortunately, Rassilon has a magical gauntlet of de-transmorphisising. That's a handy thing to have. And apparently it also works as a disintegrator.
Apparently the plan now is to end time and ascend to a higher plane or something. Never mind that there are already beings living outside time who are much more powerful than the Time Lords and would not be likely to throw them a welcoming party, but RTD doesn't feel that established facts of the canon are worth bothering with, so presumably that won't be a problem.
The Doctor picks up a gun
Fuck. You. RTD.
Epic confrontation!
The Doctor waves a gun about a bit, undecided as to who he's going to murder in cold blood. The guy whose death will save the universe (the Master) or the guy he really hates (Rassilon). Fortunately his mum's there, and she gives him the idea to not murder anyone, and just break the connection to the place the Time Lords were before by shooting the magical diamond. For fuck's sake, the Master pretty much spelled the answer out earlier, but neither of you think of it until the Mother looks at you funny? Your supposed to be geniuses, dammit!
Unfortunately, Rassilon's still got that magic gauntlet, and damned if he's going to let the Doctor get away with ruining his plan. It's a good thing the Master's character has dramatically changed so often already in this pile of shit, because it almost seems to make sense when he suddenly does it again and becomes a self-sacrificing hero in the last moment.
Prophecy comes true!
Oh, damn, good-hearted Donna's dad has got himself stuck helping some other random dude, and he's about to die unless the doctor sacrifices himself. No big deal, he'll just regenerate and he's done this for people before. People he didn't even know. It's one of his defining characteristics that he'll put himself in harm's way to save others. But apparently now he's gonna get all angsty about it and rant for a while. Then do it anyway, because that was just there to fill some time.
The end?
Ha, as though. Apparently this regeneration takes hours (days? Weeks? Months?) to happen, unlike every other one ever, because the Doctor has time to visit
all the major characters from the last five years. Fuck you all. I hope I never see any of you ever again.
Russell T Davies, I hate you so very, very much.
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