INT. SOME NORMAL PLACE - MORNING
PATIENT is doing normal things and doesn't seem to be sick at all. Other NORMAL PEOPLE are also going about their day.
PATIENT
I have many normal things to do just like any normal person who is not sick.
BYSTANDER
Then why is your face bleeding?
PATIENT
Oh no, this is completely unexpected!
Patient faints.
INT. HOUSE'S OFFICE - MORNING
DR HOUSE
Patient is bleeding from the face and fainting. Ideas?
IDIOT DOCTOR #1
Maybe they cut their face and fainted?
HOUSE
You are an idiot. A goddamn moron. Why are you even here?
IDIOT DOCTOR #2
I think IDIOT DOCTOR #1 is right. That is the most likely answer.
HOUSE
But did you consider that it might be an extremely rare and deadly disease that no one has ever heard of?
IDIOT DOCTOR #3
Like lupus?
HOUSE
It's never lupus. Except that one time when it was.
IDIOT DOCTOR #1
So what is it then?
HOUSE
Possibly Real but Definitely Implausible Syndrome.
IDIOT DOCTOR #2
PRDIS? No way.
IDIOT DOCTOR #3
And if you're wrong, the treatment could kill them!
HOUSE
I am never wrong. Start the treatment.
HOUSE takes a handful of Vicodin.
INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - MORNING
PATIENT is unconscious. IDIOT DOCTOR #1 and IDIOT DOCTOR #2 are holding syringes and other medical paraphernalia.
IDIOT DOCTOR #1
(to IDIOT DOCTOR #2)
I am morally conflicted about beginning this treatment with so little evidence.
IDIOT DOCTOR #2
But House is our boss and also he is never wrong.
IDIOT DOCTOR #1
He's wrong all the time. More often than he's right, in fact.
IDIOT DOCTOR #2
Well we're doing this anyway.
INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - AFTERNOON
PATIENT begins having a seizure. IDIOT DOCTOR #2 AND IDIOT DOCTOR #3 ARRIVE.
IDIOT DOCTOR #2
My god, who could have seen this coming? There was literally no way to predict this might happen!
IDIOT DOCTOR #3
Dr House has really gone too far this time!
INT. HOUSE'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
HOUSE
You need to break into Patient's house to look for clues.
IDIOT DOCTOR #3
Yes, that is a thing we do.
HOUSE takes a handful of Vicodin.
INT. PATIENT'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON
IDIOT DOCTOR #1 and IDIOT DOCTOR #3 are searching the cupboards.
IDIOT DOCTOR #1
This is a waste of time. We should have just assumed the most likely answer right at the start.
IDIOT DOCTOR #3
The most likely answer is never right. Have you even seen this show before?
IDIOT DOCTOR #1
Wait, look what I've just found!
IDIOT DOCTOR #1 holds up a container of CHEMICALS.
IDIOT DOCTOR #3
This explains everything!
INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - AFTERNOON
PATIENT is awake. IDIOT DOCTOR #1 and IDIOT DOCTOR #3 are looking very pleased.
IDIOT DOCTOR #3
We found these chemicals in your house. They made you sick and now we will give you some medicine and you will be completely fine. There is absolutely no chance that we would be wrong a second time.
IDIOT DOCTOR #1 administers the MEDICINE. Patient immediately has another seizure.
IDIOT DOCTOR #1
Oh no! We were wrong again!
INT. HOUSE'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
HOUSE
This is exactly the outcome we were hoping to avoid! Does anyone have any ideas?
IDIOT DOCTOR #1
No.
IDIOT DOCTOR #2
Nope.
IDIOT DOCTOR #3 shakes their head.
HOUSE
You are all terrible doctors.
HOUSE takes a handful of Vicodin.
INT. WILSON'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
WILSON
I am having problems in my personal and professional life because I am a weak-willed coward.
HOUSE
Yes. You are.
HOUSE takes a handful of Vicodin.
HOUSE
Now shut up because I don't care about your problems.
WILSON starts to speak again but House is not listening - he is staring into the distance.
INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - AFTERNOON
HOUSE enters confidently. IDIOT DOCTOR #2 is already there.
HOUSE
I have solved the case! Give them some of this other medicine!
IDIOT DOCTOR #2
But that medicine is for a completely different rare and implausible disease!
HOUSE
Yes, because that is what they have. I know this because I am a genius.
HOUSE takes a handful of Vicodin.
INT. CUDDY'S OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON
CUDDY is at her desk. HOUSE is standing in front of her.
CUDDY
Despite your constant sexual harassment and the fact that you almost killed your patient yet again, I am powerless to stop you because you eventually stumbled on the correct answer at the last minute.
HOUSE takes a handful of Vicodin.
HOUSE
Nice tits.
CUDDY
Oh House, you rascal.
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