Cats (2019)

People don't like this movie? This movie is amazing. Apart from James Corden, who is awful as always, but is not in very much of it. Otherwise? Five stars. 100% jellicle. Even James Corden only drags it down to, like, 80-85%. If you cut his two scenes out of the movie you'd lose nothing of value and the movie would be perfect.

Robbie Fairchild is the weirdest looking cat by far, and he's just constantly lurking in practically every scene.

The plot barely exists and is basically all crammed into the second half, like they forgot about it till half way through and suddenly realised their mistake, but honestly the first half is the best anyway. Everything has this incredible tension where you can't quite tell if people are going to start making out or murdering each other. And then James Corden shows up to be obnoxious and make fat jokes and ruins everything, but then he goes way and it gets good again.

The second half (or however much it actually was) lacks the tension of the first because Victoria (the protagonist, sort of) is becoming more comfortable and it's time for the story to happen. Basically, the jellicle cats ("jellicle" is possibly the name of the group or of some characteristic they possess or maybe some inscrutable cat thing - it's never explained at all but they say it a lot) are competing to see who gets reincarnated into a better life. I've seen a lot of people claiming that the cats are competing to die but that is a gross mischaracterisation. Anyway, there's an evil cat who the other jellicle cats don't like, Macavity. So how does he count as a jellicle cat if he's not like the others and doesn't associate with them? I guess that's just one of the mysteries of what it means to be jellicle). And they don't like him because... he does crimes? And doesn't get caught? Apparently he does all the crimes. Taylor Swift is very clear about this. Every crime.

Macavity wants to get reincarnated so he's kidnapping all the other contestants, but Judi Dench (who is sort of the leader of the jellicles but not really?) still won't pick him. It's not clear why he needs her to, but magic I guess. Also he's a magical cat. That's just a thing there is. Mr Mistoffelees is also a magical cat though, and he saves the day by believing in himself. And if you were supposed to care about the story that would be a terrible ending, but the story is as meaningless as everything else.

In the end, Grizabella the sad cat gets chosen, so that's nice. Probably.

The music is some good sounds, but the lyrics are just stupid nonsense. I would never listen to any of these songs outside of the movie, with the possible exception of Memory. But, and this may be a controversial opinion given that this is a film based on a stage musical, the music is not important.

What you're watching this movie for is the incredible, indescribable weirdness. I'd seen pictures. I'd watched the trailer. But the first time I saw a furry human with a cat's ears and tail crawling towards me, looking at me with a human face, I knew nothing could have prepared me for this movie.

And it never stops. Every time you think you've gotten used to it something new happens. Like the first time you notice that, from behind, the cats look like humans with cat heads. Not the weird CGI hybrids they normally look like, but just a cat head on a human body. You've probably seen the scene where Rebel Wilson unzips her skin to reveal a costume underneath, but what about the terrified mouse children performing under threat (promise?) of death? Rebel Wilson is explicitly forcing children to perform for her and plans to eat at least some of them. "Dinner and a show."

"Meow meow meow meow." - Sir Ian McKellen CH CBE.

And then there's the weirdness of the nature of the anthropomorphised cats. They behave in very human ways at times and very catlike ways at others, and it threw me every time. Especially because some of them just kind of look like particularly hairy humans, or humans in costumes. But, like, when one cat was tapdancing (because why wouldn't he be?) I noticed that all the cats around him were watching his feet move - like cats would.

And when the story's over and the good guys have won, Judi Dench suddenly turns to look right at the screen and starts addressing the audience directly, reminding us that cats are not dogs. There's something extremely disconcerting about seeing Judi Dench, half transformed into a cat, staring straight at you through screen and earnestly explaining that cats aren't dogs.

I'd advise you to go see it but it's too late and you can't. But if you've got a big enough screen and good speakers you can wait and watch it at home. Don't watch it on a small TV though, it just won't work.

"A cat is not a dog." - Dame Judi Dench CH DBE FRSA.