If you just want my advice on who to vote for, skip to the end. If you want to know the who and why, here's where I go through all the parties in alphabetical order. Since I already covered a lot of them (or their equivalents at the national level) for the federal election in May, I'll repeat what I said about them then, but I'll indent those sections so you can skim past them if you just want the new information.
Angry Victorians Party
The polite face of fascism. A "fair go for all" - but only if you speak English. "Equality of opportunity" - but it's not our fault if, for some reason, certain people don't seem to make the most of the same opportunities everyone else gets. "Rule of law" - you haven't broken any laws, have you?. "Freedom to make your own health decisions" - we didn't say "vaccine", you're the one who thought that.
They seem to have obfuscated their messaging even further since the federal election but it's still there if you read past the headlines. And they're still up-front about "law and order" and "equality of opportunity", which, to be fair, sound like good things if you don't think about them in any depth.
Animal Justice Party
Another single-issue party. As with the cannabis party I'm basically in agreement with them, but if you care about more than one thing then you probably should vote for someone else. The "controversies" section of their Wikipedia page is delightful though.
The Australian Greens - Victoria
What do we want? Small, incremental changes! When do we want them? Gradually!
Australian Labor Party - Victorian Branch
You know them. You loathe them marginally less than the other side. You'll probably end up voting for them, once the parties you placed higher inevitably get knocked out of contention.
Companions and Pets Party
Basically a single-issue party (that, I assume, was created almost entirely in opposition to the Animal Justice Party) but generally conservative across the board.
Democratic Labour Party (DLP)
Not to be confused with the Australian Labor Party - this one spelled the name right (eventually) and is made up of far-right reactionaries, conspiracy theorists and fascists. I repeat, do not confuse the two.
Derryn Hinch's Justice Party
Look, they actually have some pretty reasonable policies. But also, they want to do Judge Dredd in real life. That's actually the main thing they want. Kind of like the Cannabis party, but instead of "let people have marijuana" it's "let people who smoke marijuana be thrown into a pit."
Family First Victoria
Far-right reactionaries of the Christian fundamentalist variety.
Fiona Patten's Reason Party
These people have some generally pretty positive ideas but at their core they are liberals. They're (theoretically) a much nicer, friendlier form of liberalism than that practised by the major parties, but they're still all about individualism and working within the existing system rather than trying for something better. Also they have a weird fixation on religion. And it's not that I really disagree with any of their positions (like, sure, Sanitarium should pay taxes) but it's a weird thing to prioritise.
Freedom Party of Victoria
Family First without the overt Christianity. Just as bad.
Health Australia Party
An anti-science party. Their major policies can be summarised as "nature good; chemicals bad".
Legalise Cannabis Victoria
If you only care about one thing, and that one thing is weed, this is the party for you. There are several other parties that are in favour of marijuana legalisation, but they don't have LCA's focus. They have other priorities. If you want a representative with only one thing (cannabis) on their mind, this is the party for you.
Seriously though, this party shouldn't exist and you shouldn't vote for them.
Liberal Democratic Party
In America, they'd be called Libertarians. In case you're not familiar with the ideology, it boils down to "government should exist solely to enforce property rights." Followed to its logical conclusion it can only result in a new type of feudalism, but its adherents can't see that far ahead - or they think they'll be the kings and barons of the new world.
Liberal Party of Australia - Victorian Division & National Party of Australia - Victoria
I'm not going to bother linking to their website. You know who they are. They're fucking terrible. Not technically the worst option on the ballot, unless you factor in their likelihood of actually being able to carry out their agenda. Damien Richardson would obviously be a much worse person to have in charge than Scott Morrison, but he never will be so we really don't need to worry as much about him.
New Democrats
Not the Australian Democrats. This is a new party - so new that it doesn't even seem to have website, and the founder's site (linked above) doesn't mention it. I have no idea what their positions are on anything.
Pauline Hanson's One Nation
You know who she is. She was on Dancing with the Stars that one time. Can't decide who to be racist against and is very bad at picking her friends.
Restore Democracy Sack Dan Andrews Party
These cheeky little rascals reactionaries have claimed the viclabor.org URL for their website. Also I think it might just be one very angry man.
Shooters, Fishers and Farmers Party Victoria
The name says it all. They just want to shoot, fish, and farm, without anyone telling them when, where, or how. It's all very childish, really.
Sustainable Australia Party – Stop Overdevelopment / Corruption
The Democrats without the name recognition, and just a soupçon of eugenics. Just a little. As a treat.
Transport Matters Party
Another single-issue party. They want more, better and cheaper transport options, basically.
United Australia Party
Clive Palmer and his neofeudalist pals. What could I tell you about him that would make you hate him any more than you already do?
Victorian Socialists
Still the party to vote for. Clear and direct policies that I can get behind on a broad range of issues.
My Advice
Voting in Victorian state elections is a little bit more complicated than federal elections. For the upper house, you have to rank at least five candidates (unless you're voting above the line, but you shouldn't do that) but can rank more. So I'll rank all of the parties I think are worth giving some votes to rather than just the top six as I did last time.
- Victorian Socialists
- The Australian Greens - Victoria
- Fiona Patten's Reason Party
- Animal Justice Party
- Legalise Cannabis Victoria
- Transport Matters Party
- Australian Labor Party - Victorian Branch
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