Routine Inspection

Hi Property Manager, 

On behalf of every tenant who has to put up with this bullshit, I'll be conducting an inspection at your house on 16/04/2023 between 8:00PM - 4:00AM. I realise that window may not be convenient for you, but none of you have ever bothered to ask me what time I'd prefer you to visit so I won't either. I'll take approximately 15 minutes (or however long I feel like); however, as I'm very busy with important matters, I cannot confirm the exact time of inspection. It'll be a fun little surprise for you. But don't try to take a shower or go to the shops or anything because I could arrive at any time.

If you would like a closer time frame please email me the day before. I simply cannot be expected to plan and schedule things more than 24 hours in advance. It's literally impossible. I will also not be able to provide an exact time then either, but I will be able to make up a vague lie. Will I be earlier or later? Another fun little surprise for you. One thing you can be sure of is that if I say I'll be there around 21:00, I certainly will not be within a half hour either side of that time.

You are welcome to be at the inspection, but it is not necessary as I have a set of lockpicks and I know how to use them. Since you feel entitled to enter my home in my absence to take photographs and poke around, I'm sure you will have no objection to me doing the same.

Don't worry about doing anything to prepare for the inspection. Your privacy is of absolutely no concern to me. You may choose to move personal items out of sight if you like, and if you happen to have access to enough space in which to store them for the duration, but that's entirely up to you. Like I said, your privacy is of absolutely no concern to me.

If you have any further questions please feel free to contact my team (by which I mean my spam folder). It's not like you can have this rescheduled or made in any way less inconvenient for you, so it really doesn't matter if you contact me or not.