WALL-E

I recently saw this film after having meant to watch it for quite some time. Almost since it first came out, in fact, because people just went on and on about how wonderful it was. People were wrong. Terribly wrong. This film was painful to watch, start to finish.


Let's start with the name...

Firstly, when you're reading this and you're hearing what you imagine my voice might sound like in your head, I want you to imagine me very clearly enunciating the name "wall-ee", not "wally", because that name is pretending to be a joke. Some of you might have been fooled into thinking it was a joke, but it's not. It's just a stupid way to spell "Wally" (if you're American) and make it sound more computery, and I will not acknowledge it.

Also, these robots are supposed to clean an entire planet, and each one is about a foot wide? We even see bigger versions later on in the movie, but apparently they're only used for dealing with the garbage of a small (relative to the entire Earth) spaceship, not entire planets.


"When does the plot start?"

That question comes to mind repeatedly as this film spends approximately forever showing absolutely nothing happening. A malfunctioning robot does "cute" things for no apparent reason. When is something going to fucking happen? Then the spaceship arrives with EVE and it seems like something is finally going to happen, but no, WALL-E just continues to dick around being irritating. And then creepy, when he ties up and drags the unconscious EVE around and pretends they're going out on a date. Then finally they go to where the humans are and after a bit more dicking around, the plot finally starts.

So EVE delivers the plant that WALL-E found on Earth, and the existence of one plant is apparently enough to convince the humans and their computers that Earth is habitable again. Even though it is still entirely covered with garbage and there are no other known plants on the entire surface. Anyway, the captain gets all excited about going to a place he's never been because of all the things he's heard about that used to be there, but aren't any more.


Worst conspiracy ever.

Then it turns out that the computers have been reprogrammed to never let the humans go back to Earth. But not very well. Because wouldn't the simple solution have been to not send any EVEs to Earth? Or just have them fly away and turn right around and come back and just pretend they went to Earth? Or if you can't get around sending them there, don't let them report directly to the captain? Before the plant and WALL-E showed up, no human was even remotely interested in going to Earth. Keeping the humans in the dark would have been easy.


God, shut up!

So this retarded conspiracy begins the process to get rid of the plant, and WALL-E dicks around some more until he gets himself and EVE declared malfunctioning, which leads to them running around like idiots for quite a while shouting each others' names. "EVE!" "WALL-E!" "EVE!" "WALL-E!" "EVE!" "WALL-E!" "EVE!" "WALL-E!" "EVE!" "WALL-E!" "shutthefuckupshutupshutupyoufuckingirritatingfuckingrobots". That last one was me, by the way. No one in the film reacted that way. But they should have.

Then WALL-E accidentally rescues the plant as it's about to be blown up in space, and then he and EVE fly around outside the ship for a while, because this movie wasn't moving slowly enough apparently.


Space does not work that way!

So then there's a big fight with the computer, and in the course of it the stupidest thing ever happens. The spaceship they're on gets tipped sideways, and everyone starts falling. What the fuck? You realise this is happening in space, right, writers? Space? It doesn't matter which way the ship faces, because they're in space. There's no down. This... just... no.

Anyway, they manage to get the plant into the plant-detecting thingy that they have for some reason, which overrides the rest of the ship's computers somehow, but in dooming the humans to return to an uninhabitable planet, WALL-E is crushed. So at least the villain dies.


Oh wait, no.

Turns out, the writers seem to think that living on an uninhabitable planet full of garbage is somehow preferable to living on a spaceship where you have everything you will ever need, and the humans in the film actually want to go to Earth. And everyone is sad that WALL-E is dead. So EVE rebuilds him, but accidentally repairs the malfunction that makes him so fucking irritating. Which is bad for some reason? Fortunately it's only temporary and he quickly reverts to being annoying as fuck.


And then...

After the film ends, the humans realise what a shitty place Earth is now and go back into space. Or maybe they all die. Either option is possible.