Salad Girl

This is a story I wrote back in November 2016 that I apparently forgot to post here (because I can't find it now). I thought it was pretty good, so I definitely should have posted it.


OK, there's this guy, right? And he's married to this woman. And she's pregnant, so he's being accommodating and getting her whatever she wants, because he's good that way. So one night, like, really late, she says to him, “Dude, I need some salad right now.”

And he's like, “What? But it's 2am. There's no shops open. Except, like, 7-11, and you don't want a salad from 7-11 at 2am.”

But she totally does. And he goes “No, seriously, this will not be a good salad. Not even close.”

“If I don't get a salad,” she says, “I will literally die.”

“Do you mean figuratively?” he asks, because it's 2am and he's a bit irritated about being asked to go out to the 7-11 for salad.

“No,” she says. “I was using the word as an intensifier, as has been common practice for literally centuries, and this time I do mean literally literally. James Joyce used it. Charles Dickens. Charlotte Brontë. I could go on. Now stop being a dickhead and get me a goddamn salad from the goddamn 7-11!”

So he's like “Fine, whatever,” and he goes out to the 7-11, even though it's kind of a sketchy area and no one goes to the 7-11 this late because it's probably in the middle of being robbed or something.

But he gets there, and he's looking at the prepared food, and there's no salad left. They've got stale sandwiches and a bain-marie full of pies that have probably been sitting there for way too long and chips and other snack foods. So he texts his wife and he says “hun u want a pie instead???”

But she's like “is a pie salad???”

And he mutters to himself and he's all like, “Where am I going to get a fucking salad at 2am?”

But then he sees there's this woman at the back of the shop, looking at some magazines or something, and she's carrying around this salad. So he goes up to her and says “Excuse me, sorry, I just – this is going to sound weird, but can I have that salad?”

And she's all “What?”

And he tells her about how his wife is pregnant and she sent him out for salad, and the woman goes “Wait, she'll literally die if she doesn't get a salad?”

And he's about to explain about Charles Dickens and Charlotte Brontë and all of that but it's after 2am and he just wants to get home so he just says “No, not literally literally. Look can I have the salad? I'll give you whatever you want for it.”

She looks at him for a second and she goes “Anything I want? Literally anything?”

“Literally literally” he says.

And she's like “OK, smart guy. You said your wife's pregnant, so how about you trade me the baby for the salad?”

He laughs, and goes “Sure, I'll trade you a baby for a salad, that's totally a thing that someone would do.”

And the woman laughs, and goes to shake his hand, and he's thinking they're just having a laugh together, so he shakes her hand, and then she gives him the salad, so he's thinking that this is going well, so he asks her “OK, so what do you actually want for it?”

She stops laughing and goes “Your baby. I literally want your baby.”

And he's like “What? No, that was a joke.”

“Nope,” she says. “You agreed. We shook on it. I'll be seeing you.”

And then she disappears. Like, literally. Right in front of his eyes, she's just gone.

He's pretty freaked out, and he gets home with the salad and his wife's like “What the fuck happened to you?”

And he's like “I think I traded our baby to a witch for a salad.”

“No, seriously, what's wrong?”

“No, seriously.”

And they're both pretty freaked out, but after a few days they sort of convince themselves that it was just a weirdo in the 7-11 and she ran out real quick or something, 'cause there's no such thing as witches, right?

Eventually the baby's born, and the witch shows up at the hospital. They're not ready to hand their baby over, but she does a bunch of freaky magic, like making the walls bleed and sucking all the light out of the room and shit, so they're terrified and just agree to hand the baby over. The witch brought her lawyer, so they get the adoption papers all signed and everything's totally above board (except for all the intimidation and magic, but no one's going to believe them about any of that) so the witch takes the baby.

“What were you going to call her?” she asks.

“Caitlynn?” says the woman.

“Pfft. No,” says the witch. “That's a dumb name. I'm calling her Rapunzel.”

And then she just walks out, and her lawyer shakes their hands and gives them his business card and then he's gone too.

The witch takes the baby back to her place, which is one of those fancy apartments with a gate at the front where you have to ring the buzzer for them to let you up, and she pretty much keeps her there for years. Home-schools her and everything, so she won't be too influenced by the outside world. Gets her tutors and music lessons though, so she ends up being really sheltered but smart and a great singer.

Their apartment has a balcony looking out over a park, and Rapunzel likes to sit out there and sing – because it's crazy boring in this shut-in witch's place – but mostly just when the witch isn't home, because she's a bit paranoid about Rapunzel even getting that close to being outside. So one day she's out there singing, and this dude's out in the park eating his lunch, and he's like “Wow, that girl can sing. I wonder if she's got a SoundCloud or a YouTube channel or something?”

So he comes out to the park for his lunch every day, and he keeps hearing her singing, and he's like “My brother should hear this.”

Did I mention that his brother works on X Factor for Channel Seven? 'Cause he does. That's why he wants his brother to hear her singing, because she'd be a guaranteed finalist on that show, at least.

But he can't go to his brother and say “Come to this park and listen to some girl who lives nearby singing. Maybe. If she's doing it that day.”

So he has to find out who she is. He wanders around listening out for her, and he tracks her down to her building and sees her up on the balcony. He's about to shout up at her, but then he's like “She'll think I'm some sort of crazy weirdo shouting at people on the street. I'd better try the front door.”

He goes around the front and he presses the buzzer for her flat, but she doesn't say anything on the intercom, so he doesn't know what to do. He stands around a bit and she just hangs up on him. He's all like “Dang. This is a bit of a roadblock. How can I talk to her without seeming like a stalker or something?”

Just then, the witch arrives home, and she's like “Excuse me.”

And he's all “Oh, sorry,” and gets out of the doorway.

But he's still close enough to hear when she presses the buzzer and goes “Rapunzel, it's Gothel. I didn't bring my key, could you buzz me up, dear?”

And so Rapunzel buzzes her up, and the guy is thinking to himself “Oh well, I got her name now. There can't be that many Rapunzels in the world, I'll just Google her.”

So he goes home.

But he can't find her on Google. She's got no YouTube, no SoundCloud, no Bandcamp, not even a Myspace. Can't find her on Twitter or Facebook either. So he's like “Fuck it, I'll just go talk to her since I know her name now.”

So he comes back the next day and she's singing on the balcony again, so he goes up to the intercom and he's like “Hi. Rapunzel?”

And she's all “Yes? Who is this?”

So he explains about how he heard her singing and his brother works on X Factor, and she's sheltered, but not that sheltered, so she knows what X Factor is and she's pretty excited about it, but she's like “My mum is not going to let me go on X Factor though. She's super paranoid.”

The dude's like “Why don't you just sneak out then? I'll give you my brother's number and tell him you'll call and he can set up a meeting. I bet your mum'll come around once she sees what a great opportunity it is.”

So Rapunzel phones the guy's brother, and he's pretty enthusiastic, and she's all “Do I get to meet James Blunt?”

And he's like “He's not on it any more.”

“Oh. Well how about Delta Goodrem?”

“She's on The Voice. That's a different show.”

“Osher?”

And he's all “Are you fucking with me right now?”

But the witch comes home unexpectedly and she hears the phone call, and she is freaked out. She's like “This world is full of people who will trade their babies for salad, it is far too crazy and dangerous for you out there. You are not going on Australian Idol (or whatever they call it these days).”

And to be honest, trading your baby for salad is pretty crazy and I would deffo not trust someone who did that to behave in a safe or rational way. But on the other hand, Gothel pretty much tricked him into it, so, you know, how much of the blame can we really put on society for this one?

But she's a witch, she doesn't have to answer to anyone, so she takes Rapunzel and she moves out to the country. But she can't get her tutors and stuff to come out to teach Rapunzel any more, so she's like “I hear they have courses on the internet now, I guess I'd better get on this NBN thing.”

But it's not available in her area so she has to get dial-up. In 2016. Can you believe it?

Meanwhile, the guy – not the first guy, who traded Rapunzel for salad; and not the third guy, who works for Channel Seven; the second guy, the one who heard her singing in the park – finds out from his brother that the phone call got cut off and he's a bit worried that Gothel might do something to Rapunzel, so he goes back to the apartment and presses the buzzer.

There's no reply, but the door unlocks, so he's like “Uh, hi. Is this Rapunzel? I just wanted to see if you're OK?”

But the intercom goes off, and he's just left standing there, so he's not sure what to do. Like, she hasn't exactly invited him in, but she opened the door, so it's probably OK? So he goes inside and climbs up the stairs to Gothel's apartment, and the door is unlocked, so he goes in.

It's all weirdly quiet, and no one answers when he calls out. It's giving him real horror movie vibes, like there's gong to be a serial killer or a ghost or something. He looks around and he sees the balcony door is open, so he goes out there. He's squinting a bit, because it was dark inside and it's really sunny out here, and he doesn't see Gothel come up behind him.

She gives him a shove, and because he's not ready for it (and also because she's actually way stronger than she looks) he goes stumbling forward and over the railing, which is way too low and probably illegal. There are definitely safety standards about railings on balconies, and you should not be able to just fall over them like that, it's a serious hazard.

It's only like, the first floor, so he doesn't die or anything, but he falls down into the garden and there are these bushes down there with these nasty thorns, and somehow he manages to stab both of his eyes with them. And he's all “Oh god, this hurts so much! How did I stab both of my eyes with these thorns? The chances of this happening have got to be absolutely remote! I'm not even injured in any other way, I've just been blinded by these thorns that I fell directly onto, eye-first! How did this even happen?”

So he goes to the hospital and gets his eyes looked at, and then goes to stay with his parents because his eyes are all fucked up and he can't really take care of himself right now. And by some crazy chance, his parents live right near where Gothel moved to, so he hears Rapunzel singing again, and he's like “Oh, no way, the thing with the thorns could have been super bad luck but this is just too much of a coincidence.”

And Rapunzel's like “Hey, aren't you the guy whose brother works for Popstars?”

And he's like “That show hasn't even been on TV for years. You mean X Factor. And yes. Your mother isn't here, is she? Because she kind of threw me off a balcony and I really do not want to run into her again.”

And Rapunzel looks around and goes “Can't you see there's no one else here?”

And he goes “No, actually. Crazy story, I kind of got blinded by thorns and now I can't see at all.”

And Rapunzel's like “Hold up, I've actually got something for that. Gothel's got this magic potion she uses to heal any injury. She makes it out of my tears.”

The dude is like “What the fuck? She's as crazy as her mother.”

But she splashes the potion on his face and suddenly he can see again; his eyes are totally cured. He's all like “Holy shit, this is amazing! I mean, I was kind of only in this situation because of you in the first place, but I guess that's what I get for sticking my nose in other people's business. Anyway, why are you still living with Gothel when she's clearly a crazy witch?”

And Rapunzel says “Don't call my mother that. In fact, gendered insults like that are demeaning to all women and you shouldn't use them at all.”

“No, I said 'witch',” he says, “as in, she makes actual magic potions out of tears. And she's got you living out here in the middle of nowhere. They don't even have broadband. You know my parents are still on dial-up? In 2016?”

“Oh, well,” she says, “honestly it just hadn't occurred to me to leave. Do you want to go get a coffee or something?”

And he's like “Fuck no. I want no part of you or your crazy family any more. I'm going home. Thanks for curing my eyes, though.”

And she doesn't even get to go on X Factor.