God, where to even begin with this massive pile of bullshit they've served up to us in place of a plot this week? I guess technically a lot of stuff happens, but honestly, it's 90% filler. You could cut this episode down to about five minutes and it would be more entertaining, less confusing and a whole lot easier to watch.
First we get the recap, and then the shocking reveal that all this buildup has been about the fucking Cybermen. Fucking Cybermen, really? Well, no. That's just a brief cameo appearance because that's what this episode is, cameo appearances by people you've forgotten you didn't give a shit about.
But back briefly to the Cybermen. The Doctor apparently needs their help to find Amy because... some reason, I'm sure. So he sends Rory... somehow? I guess Rory can travel independently through time and space now? And the Doctor just blows up a whole fuckload of Cybermen because killing a bunch of people is just how he rolls these days, I guess.
Rory and the Doctor then pick up a few other people because apparently the Doctor has decided he needs their help now for something? I guess these characters have appeared in the show before, but I honestly don't remember any of them, so maybe their previous meetings with the Doctor were just implied. He also tries to get River Fucking Song to show up, because this episode just wasn't awful enough already, but she decides to stay home for a while but says she'll swing by later.
Anyway, Amy's being held prisoner by those cleric-marines who used to work for River I think? Who the fuck knows. Anyway, now they're working for Eyepatch Woman and her headless monks, who're obviously supposed to be mysterious and creepy but aren't.
We're then introduced to Army Girl, who is apparently a grown-up version of a character who appeared in some other episode that I don't remember, and she's signed up to this army, that apparently exists to fight the Doctor now? But they were working with him and River last time? Fuck, this makes no sense. Anyway, she signed up because she wants to meet the Doctor again, and she figured that signing up to kill him would give her that opportunity.
So she takes a moment to go chat with Amy, and I take a moment to wish that I could punch them both in the face because they are awful.
Then the Doctor shows up, and even though these army dudes have just been talking about how they're going to kill the Doctor, they don't. They have guns pointed right at him, but they don't kill him. Even though the whole point of them being there was apparently to kill him.
Then the Doctor turns off the lights and a whole bunch of Silurians (who look different to the other Silurians we've seen lately, and I guess there's some reason for that that I can't remember as well) show up and force the cleric-marines to surrender. Also, someone called "danny boy" blows up the communications equipment with a spaceship, and as Eyepatch Woman is trying to escape with the baby, the pirates from that episode about the mermaid show up and stop her. But then she gets away anyway, somehow, leaving the baby behind.
Then there's a lot of horribly mawkish baby shit. Not literal baby shit, just badly written, badly acted, hamfisted melodrama involving a baby. And apparently the Doctor can "speak baby" now because that's not fucking retarded on every level.
Once they decide to get back on with the actual plot, they have a look at the computers and find out that the baby is part Time Lord, because she was conceived in the TARDIS. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT!? GENETICS DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!
And then someone asks if the baby is Time Lord enough to regenerate, and REGENERATION DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! It's technological! It's not a natural Time Lord ability! Anyone can use Time Lord technology regenerate!
But there's no time to dwell on that, because those headless monks are back and they're attacking! Very slowly! Really, really slowly!
OK, they're still coming. Give them a moment.
OK, now they start attacking, but the Doctor is still up at the computer room by himself now, and Eyepatch calls him to gloat about how she totally got away somehow and managed to steal the baby, because the baby they've got is actually a Flosh doppel. In case you missed it, that was the one good thing in the entire episode, the bad guy actually used their resources effectively. Just that once though, the entire rest of the mind-fuckingly stupid plan was still retarded.
The monks eventually manage to cross the two or three metres separating them from the good guys, and being the stand-up heroic types they are, naturally the good guys wait till then to start shooting them, because it just wouldn't be gentlemanly to shoot someone armed only with a cheap knockoff light saber before they got into sword range.
The Sontaran and the army girl both die, and there was much rejoicing, because fuck those guys, and River Song shows up, presumably on the basis that there's absolutely no way to make this episode any worse at this point, so she may as well. After a lot of pointless wankery, she finally reveals her true identity in the most irritating way possible.
First, she tells the Doctor without cluing anyone else in, including the audience, making you think they're going to force us to wait till part two to find out, then she tells Amy her name is written on the side of the cot that the Doctor got out for the baby before they know it was a doppel, but no one can read that because it's written in Gallifreyan and the TARDIS can't auto-translate Gallifreyan...
Wait a minute. No one has ever had any issues understanding any of the Time Lords in the show. Aren't they all speaking Gallifreyan? Isn't the Doctor speaking Gallifreyan, like, all the time? Are you telling us that all Time Lords speak some other language all the time because the one language they can't get their computers to translate is their own? WHAT THE FUCK?
Oh, and River is actually Amy's daughter. So yeah, that was anticlimactic.