The Big Bang

Season 32, episode 13.


Look, I don't care what time travel rules you decide on, but once you've made a decision, STICK TO IT! Things that are impossible this week should still be impossible next week! You're contradicting yourself so quickly it's almost like you're travelling back in time to contradict yourself before you said the original thing!

So, the Big Bad Guy Alliance locks the Doctor in a prison that he can never escape from, unless he has access to time travel technology. Which he does. Obviously. Hell, every second person seems to have access to time travel technology these days. This was the shittiest plan ever. There is no possible way that it could have worked. When imprisoning a time traveller, you might want to try any sort of prison at all other than one that is impervious to everything except time travel. Or just kill him. He's not immortal. Except, curiously enough, when he's in your super-prison.

Also, I don't think I mentioned just how fucking stupid this trap was. The sheer complexity involved in getting the Doctor to show up at the right place and the right time, and then you just shove him in a box. Couldn't you have done that at almost any time at all? The Doctor generally wins because his enemies don't see him coming and don't expect him. If you were able to lure him to some specific spot and get him out of the TARDIS, which really shouldn't be difficult, you could trap him easily.

Or, you know, shoot him. Just, bang. Dead. Even if he regenerates, well, shoot him again. Hes' got a finite number of them. Forget trying to use him to get access to the TARDIS, or punishing him forever, or any of that other bullshit. Just shoot him. Hell, the Dalek in this episode tries to several times, but apparently it didn't think of that back when the BBGA were putting him in the box.

That aside...

Amy's dead, but the box can bring people back to life (as long as they're only a little bit, which apparently is a thing) so they chuck her in the box and Auton boyfriend stands guarding it for 2000 years, because an indestructible and inescapable prison just isn't safe left unguarded. And apparently in 2000 years, even though several people spot that this apparently immortal Roman is always hanging around this box, he somehow doesn't get captured by anyone or killed or injured in any way, so he's just waiting around still when Amy lets herself out of the INESCAPABLE PRISON.

Seriously, it took the best minds of a dozen highly advanced civilizations to come up with this, the most effective prison ever created. And then the first person to ever get locked in there escapes from it within hours (if not minutes, I'm not sure how much time was supposed to have passed), and then the second person locked in there gets out as well. This was the best they could do? Really?

Oh no, it's a Dalek!

The Pandorica brings a Dalek back to life because it's magic

it can bring things back to life even if they've been erased from history. And things that are erased from history apparently still exist, sometimes, but they're dead and broken and stuff? So the Dalek is alive again (because of magic)
and chases them around a bit. Fortunately, Auton boyfriend's hand-gun can disable it, so obviously they disable it, open the case, pull out the Dalek creature from inside, and shoot it. Oh wait, no, they don't do that. They disable it, wait for it to repair itself, run away from it, and repeat. Because they are fucking retarded.
Also, there's some fucking around with River's time travel bracelet. And the Doctor rescues River from the exploding TARDIS, which has replaced the sun, because all the stars never existed. Which is why all the aliens don't exist. But their corpses still exist because the Earth isn't affected. For some reason. Fuck, I just don't know. None of this makes any fucking sense. It's all just fucking nonsense! Was this story written by sixteen different people who weren't allowed to see what any of the others had written? Who looked at this and said "Yeah, I don't see any problems with this story. Makes sense to me."? Was it a crazy person who walked in off the street? Did the crazy person actually write the script as well? Is everyone who works on this show actually insane?

Rebooting the universe by exploding everything with magic SCIENCE!

The Doctor's brilliant plan at this point is to take the magic box

"perfect" prison into the exploding TARDIS, because apparently the TARDIS is exploding at every point in space and time. Except on Earth, I guess, because there's no exploding going on there? Because if everything was exploding, everyone would be dead? Or maybe it's exploding really gently? Fuck, this still doesn't make any sense.
Also, now apparently River's time travel bracelet can turn anything into a space ship. So the Doctor flies the Pandorica into the sun
exploding TARDIS. But in order to bring back the rest of the universe, he has to erase himself from the universe, as though he'd never existed. Except that all the things he did stay done, but no one remembers them. Because that's what erasing someone's entire existence does. It doesn't change history, just makes people forget them.

That's the power of love

But of course the Doctor can't stay erased. Amy saves him with her specialness. By remembering him really hard. Or something. What the fuck. None of this shit makes any fucking sense. I hate this episode so much. I mean, it's not as annoying as The Lodger, but god, at least they tried to make that episode make sense. This one just seems like no one gave a fuck about it.

More fucking River fucking Song

And River assures us that she'll be back soon. Oh good. Bring back the smug dickhead with the stupid fucking catchphrases. Do people actually like this character? Spoiler: Saying "spoilers" all the time is fucking irritating.

The Blinovitch Limitation Effect

Oh, and since I forget to mention it before, here's another bit of idiocy. They've decided to keep part of the Blinovitch Limitation Effect. Not the part that helps resolve some time travel paradoxes, because they clearly don't give a shit about that. No, they kept the bit that made no sense in the first place, the bit where if an object touches its past or future self, they both explode. Except now it just makes some sparks fly off it, as demonstrated when the Doctor touches the sonic screwdriver to itself. But then Amy is able to interact with herself as a child with absolutely no problems at all. You made a point of demonstrating this effect, then just completely contradicted it a minute later!

This episode is just the worst. Not the worst episode, the worst anything. Fuck this episode. Fuck. I just can't emphasise enough how much I hate this episode. Fuck.

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