The Lodger

Season 32, episode 11.

Trapped on Earth

As the episode begins, the Doctor gets out of the TARDIS, leaving Amy onboard, and the TARDIS takes off again. The episode just started and I already hate it. That can't happen! Two words: Rassilon Imprimatur. You can't fly a TARDIS without a Time Lord.

Moving on. The Doctor apparently figures out that the TARDIS can't land there because of whatever's in the top floor of Fat Fuck's building. So he goes to rent the spare room and meets Fat Fuck and Dickhead Woman.

The Doctor plays soccer for a while


He just plays soccer for a while. What the fuck? This is like really, really awful fan-fiction. "Ooh, and then the Doctor plays soccer! And he's really great at it and everyone loves him and it's awesome!" No, fuck you. This is pointless bullshit.

And then there's the whole thing where the Doctor doesn't know how normal humans behave or what soccer is. He lived on Earth for about three years in the '70s! He's studied 20th century Earth and humans more than any other place, time or people in the universe! He is fucking obsessed with humans, particularly the English, and he doesn't know what soccer is!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT?

What show am I watching again?

Apparently now the Doctor can talk to cats. Is this Doctor Who or Doctor Dolittle? So he sends a cat upstairs to spy for him, and Fat Fuck sees him talking to the cat and decides that that, along with the Doctor being more popular and better at sports than him is a good reason to kick him out.

In order to not get kicked out, the Doctor decides that he has to do a Vulcan mind-meld with Fat Fuck by headbutting him. Because apparently this is Star Trek now. I'm all for headbutting Fat Fuck, because he deserves it (and so much more), but really, this seemed like a good solution to the problem?

Berk! Feed me!

So now that Fat Fuck is in the loop, they go to confront the thing upstairs, only to discover that it's lured Dickhead Girl up there. So, they've got to save her, I guess.

It's a TARDIS spaceship

Turns out there is no upstairs flat and it's really a spaceship that happens to be very similar to a TARDIS, except that it kills people and blows up planets or something. In any case, it's been luring people up there to try to get them to pilot it for some reason, and any humans who try get burned to death by it, but if the Doctor does, it'll blow up the solar system or maybe just the Earth. For some reason.

You can deactivate anything with love!

Apparently it's not just defusing bombs, you can literally turn off any advanced bit of technology with the power of love. Fat Fuck and Dickhead Girl say they love each other and the ship self-destructs in a very non-destructive manner, leaving the rest of the house totally undamaged.

And no one notices the second storey is missing because of yet another perception filter. Those things are apparently fucking everywhere. They seem to be some of the most common devices in the entire universe. Come on, writers, can you really not think of anything new? Do you have to keep reusing the same stupid bullshit? At least if you invented new bullshit it would give us a bit of variety. And inconsistencies would be much harder to spot.

Pointless time loop

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, because it's so inconsequential that it could have been written out entirely without affecting the plot, but there's a stupid impossible time loop here where Amy writes a note at the end to leave for the Doctor telling him about the house where the spaceship is.

If they'd left it out, no one would have noticed, but putting it in there creates a problem, because that is not how time travel works in Doctor Who. It is inconsistent with the way it is shown to work in every other instance. I get it, writing consistent time travel is hard, so you know what? You should probably avoid unnecessary complications like this, you morons.

Fat Fuck and Dickhead Girl

And now I just have to add a bit about these two and why I hate them so much. It's quite simple, really. Fat Fuck is a Nice Guy and Dickhead Girl is the embodiment of how Nice Guys think women should be. Every scene in which they were both onscreen made me wish they were dead.

Next: Everything all at once

Are they seriously going to try to cram all those bad guys into two episodes? Also Nestenes again? Some high ranking person at the BBC must have a real thing for Nestenes, because they are fucking stupid and did not deserve to be revived, let alone brought back again and again. They were stupid when they first showed up in 1970. They were even stupider when they came back in 1971. Amazingly, they became immensely stupider when they came back in 2005. And now you're bringing them back again? Why? WHY?

Also, River Song's coming back and it's all going to be fucking terrible.

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