Amy's Choice

Season 32, episode 7.

The first bit doesn't suck

This episode starts really well. It establishes the premise in a really good way, not rushing through it like this show usually does. We've got the whole "five years later" scenario, in which Amy's pregnant and Amy's boyfriend is less of a tool (but with a really douchey ponytail), and the Doctor accidentally shows up at their house, and we've got the "present day" scenario, where they're still on the TARDIS and things aren't working.
Then the opening credits roll and the episode goes rapidly to shit.

But not immediately

OK, this next bit's actually not bad either. In the +5 world there're the creepy old people, which is the obvious danger, and the fact that this scenario is Amy's boyfriend's ideal world, which is the clue.

Lame bad-guy shows up

OK, now it goes to shit, because this guy was shit. He had a couple of good lines ("Ask me what happens if you die in real life." "What happens?" "You die. That's why it's called real life.") but mainly he (and the whole plot) was a transparent attempt to give Amy a reason to realise that she really loves her boyfriend more than the Doctor.

Anyway, he tells them that one of the two worlds is real, and they have to die in the dream to avoid dying in the real world. Pretty standard stuff there.

The danger revealed

In the present, the TARDIS is drifting without power towards a cold star, a thing that somehow burns in such a way as to actually reduce the amount of heat around it or something. Anyway, it's freezing them. This is both the danger and the clue, by the way. But you would be entirely justified in not realising it's a clue, because the Doctor acts like this sort of thing is entirely plausible for some reason. The fact that it's revealed at the end that he finds the idea of a cold star ridiculous and has pretty much been convinced that the present is a dream for the entire episode makes the rest of the plot make no fucking sense whatsoever, because the Doctor's actions throughout the rest of the episode only make sense if he doesn't know.

Oh, and in the +5 world, the old people are zombies


I know, let's split up! That always works out well!

There's a bit of jumping back and forth, during which they run away from zombies in +5 world and put on more clothes in the present, and then the Doctor has the brilliant idea to suggest that it would help if they could split up and have someone always awake in each world. So the Dream Lord sends him and Amy's boyfriend back to +5 world and keeps Amy in the present. Needless to say, this is not helpful in the slightest.

It does give the Dream Lord a chance to talk to Amy alone though, which is more blatant attempts to make it seem like there's actually some important character development going on here or something. Will she pick the Doctor or her boyfriend? She'll pick her boyfriend you dickheads, this is obvious. Cut this shit out. There should not even be the illusion of a choice here.

Amy's boyfriend's dead dream-dead and Amy's a moron

The Dream Lord sends Amy back to +5 world to join the others, who are now holed up in Amy's house, with zombies
aliens about to break in. Suddenly one of them does manage to get in and kills Amy's boyfriend before the Doctor drives it back out.
At this point Amy decides that this must be the dream world because she doesn't want to live without her boyfriend, and even though this is the stupidest reasoning ever, the Doctor goes along with it. Presumably because he already knows the answer and was just doing all this for shits and giggles. So they get into a conveniently fatal car crash and wake up back in the present.

Warning: Plot twist ahead!

The Dream Lord congratulates them on making the right choice and leaves. Wait, that's not the twist. It would be hilarious if it were, but no. After he buggers off, the Doctor sets the TARDIS to self-destruct, because "cold sun"? Seriously? Yeah, turns out he never believed that at all, I guess, so his actions throughout this episode make no fucking sense.

Anyway, he's right of course and they wake up back on the real TARDIS.

Who was that masked man?

So the Doctor's been going on about how he knows who the Dream Lord really is, and it's the person who hates him more than anyone else. The Master? He seemed to die, but you know he never really dies. The Valeyard? That would be a pretty cool reference to an old episode to throw in there. The Black Guardian? He was always kind of lame, but he would have the hate and the power to pull this off. The Celestial Toymaker? That one would also make sense and be pretty cool.

Nope. It was the Doctor's subconscious. Apparently the Doctor hates himself more than anyone else in the universe. Seriously? You hate yourself more than the Daleks do? You hate yourself more than anyone you've ever defeated does? Are you going to start cutting now, you fucking emo bastard?

Oh, and how did this all happen if it was just the Doctor's subconscious? Psychic pollen. Can anything be psychic now? Can we have psychic amoeba? How about psychic rocks? If we can have psychic paper and psychic pollen, surely anything can be psychic. Psychic fucking toothbrushes. Worst fucking explanation ever.

And then the Doctor spots the Dream Lord in his reflection. Because this guy was apparently good enough that we're going to have to endure him again. Either that or it was just some pointless foreshadowing of something that isn't going to happen. Either way, I hate it.

Next week: Zombies aliens!

OK, they don't really seem very zombie-like, it was just that hand in the dirt and the guy being pulled in that seemed like zombies. The rest of it didn't.

But it does look like it's going to be an episode that involves a lot of running around and shouting. Oh good.

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