The Vampires of Venice

Season 32, episode 6.

The plot for this episode isn't up on Wikipedia yet, so I'll just have to go by memory, I guess, so if things are left out or in the wrong order, that's why.

So, vampires aliens

As shown in the spoilers at the end of the last episode, this episode is about vampires who are really not vampires, so it comes as no surprise when the creepy people at the start of the episode turn out to be vampires


I've got to say, they do look pretty awesome. I'm a big fan of vampires, and these vampires
aliens are pretty cool looking.
So anyway, this dude gives his daughter to the vampires

aliens because they're supposedly running a school or something. Whatever. There're vampires
aliens. That's pretty much all we get from this scene.

Oh, it's Amy's boyfriend.

So, this dickhead's back. And he's at his buck's night. Which is the night before his wedding for some reason, because apparently being hungover at your wedding seems like a good idea to him. Anyway, he leaves a message on Amy's answering machine, and then the Doctor shows up in a cake. And tells him that Amy kissed him. And this is all supposed to be hilarious, I guess. I don't know. It just made me hate everyone involved.

So anyway, this is all a flimsy pretext for getting Amy's boyfriend into the cast, and so the Doctor drags him off to the TARDIS, where he fails to be amazed that it's bigger on the inside. And you know what? That bit just made me remember how much better they did that same joke last time, with Tom Baker.

The Doctor: Well, Sergeant? Aren't you going to say that it's bigger on the inside than on the outside? Everybody else does.

Benton: Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?

See, that was actually funny, whereas in this case it was just Amy's boyfriend and the Doctor both being obnoxious.

Anyway, they go to Venice because the Doctor's reaction to being sexually assaulted is to take Amy and her boyfriend somewhere romantic so she can fuck him instead of raping the Doctor or something.

Magic paper and magic wands

For some reason they've landed just outside the city or something, because they need to use the psychic paper to get through the gates, and I just have to point out what a fucking stupid concept psychic paper is. Psychic means controlling or sensing things with your mind, right? So, this paper has a mind then? What? How can paper be psychic? What does that even mean?

And unfortunately this episode involves heavy use of the magic paper and magic wand. Now, a story about vampires and magic paper and wizards sounds pretty cool, and I would have no problem with it if they just admitted that that's what it is. But they don't. Oh no, they're not vampires, they're aliens! It's not a magic wand, it's a sonic screwdriver! It's not magic paper, it's magic paper! Wait, actually, they're not even pretending with that one. Why even bother with the rest of it?

Vampires aliens in the streets

So pretty much the first thing they see when they get into the city is some vampires

aliens just wandering around the streets, at daytime, without making any real effort to conceal the fact that they're creepy as fuck.
Why are people sending their daughters to these people? They're pretty fucking obviously vampires, and they just walk around showing it off. How fucking stupid are these people?

Queen vampire alien leader has a drink

Now we get a scene in which the queen vampire
alien leader drinks from a big gold cup. There is absolutely no significance to this, I think someone just thought it looked cool.

Amy is a fucking retard

So Amy and Amy's boyfriend are wandering around Venice, being dickheads, as they do, when they come across a vampire

alien drinking some chick's blood. While Amy's boyfriend checks to see if the girl is OK, Amy decides to chase the vampire
alien. Because Amy is retarded. Seriously, what the fuck? Who fucking chases a vampire? How has this woman not died yet? This is like the third episode (out of five aired so far) in which she has done something mind-numbingly stupid and dangerous. It's just a matter of time before she wins herself a Darwin award.

The Doctor meets some vampires aliens

The Doctor, meanwhile, breaks into the vampires'

aliens' house and meets a whole bunch of them, and shows them a picture of William Hartnell for some reason. I watched this scene twice because I had no idea what that was all about the first time, and the second time left me no better off, so I moved on.

Making a plan

Anyway, the Doctor runs away and meets up with Amy and Amy's boyfriend and the guy from the start and they try to come up with a plan for getting into the vampires'
aliens' house. I don't know what was wrong with just walking in, like the Doctor did before, because that seemed to work pretty well.
Anyway, Amy decides that the best plan would be for her to infiltrate the place by pretending that her boyfriend is her brother and he's taking her there to sign up for vampire

alien school. Because she is retarded.

But for some reason they decide that that's the best option and go along with it.


So Amy gets in and meets the daughter from the start, and meanwhile the Doctor and Amy's boyfriend sneak in through this tunnel that's there for some reason, and which Amy is going to open the door to, so they can get in. She doesn't seem to actually do this, but luckily the door's open anyway, because the vampires
aliens were actually not fooled by Amy and her boyfriend at all.
"Did you really expect psychic paper to work on me?" the queen vampire

alien leader asks. Well, yes. Why the fuck wouldn't it? You're not really vampires, remember?You're just some aliens pretending to be vampires. Psychic paper works on aliens, doesn't it?

Or maybe they're vampire aliens, because for some reason they drink human blood and turn humans into them by replacing the human's blood with their own. This makes no fucking sense. Also, for some reason, the vampirisation room is lit by green lights. There is no reason for this.

Vampires aliens don't like UV light

Fortunately for Amy, the Doctor happens to have a UV light with him, which drives the vampires off. Even though we've seen them walking around in daylight before, and that light doesn't seem to be very bright or anything. So they escape and the daughter from the start gets executed by being fed to alien-vampire-fish. She's just killed off sort of offhand, without any real impact on anything.

Remembering names is important

Apparently once you've broken in once, you can do it again, no worries, because suddenly the doctor's back inside sitting on the alien-vampire-fish-queen-leader-mother's throne. He has a little chat with her, where he tells her that he's going to stop her not because she's invading an alien planet, not because she's killing people or turning them into alien-vampire-fish, but because she didn't know the name of the girl from the start who she just killed. So killing people's OK, I guess, as long as you know their names.

Making more plans

The Doctor returns to the others and they do some more planning, but then some alien-vampire-fish come and attack them. Also, they can fly now, apparently.

Action Excitement!

They run away from the alien-vampire-fish, but guy-from-the-start stays behind to heroically sacrifice himself to blow up the alien-vampire-fish, so yeah, he's dead too, and so are the female alien-vampire-fish, because apparently there weren't very many of them.

The Doctor goes back to the alien-vampire-fish's house, while Amy and Amy's boyfriend head back to the TARDIS. Meanwhile, the alien-vampire-fish-queen-leader-mother starts up her "sink the city by making it rain" machine.

On the way, Amy and Amy's boyfriend meet up with the male alien-vampire-fish, and have the stupidest fight ever. Amy's boyfriend pokes him with a broom. Because he's retarded. He's not even funny stupid, he's just too stupid to live stupid.

Then, despite the fact that UV light has previously been shown to be essentially harmless but annoying to alien-vampire-fish, Amy is able to make this one explode by reflecting a little bit of sunlight onto it. Seriously, it just explodes for some reason.

Thrilling conclusion!

The Doctor then has to climb up the side of the building to turn off the city sinking machine, for some reason, which he does without any real difficulty. And the alien-vampire-fish-queen-leader-mother kills herself for some reason. It seems like she could have just started again, because almost all the male alien-vampire-fishes are still alive and living in the water, so she just needs to vampirise some more girls and she's good to go, but no, she decides to end it all.

Overall impressions

This episode could have been pretty cool, if not for the fact that the characters all acted like idiots, all the problems were solved with magic and nothing was given enough time to actually develop in a sensible way. And there was all sorts of shit in there that had no bearing on the plot at all that could have just been cut to make more room for the relevant stuff, but for some reason they seem to think it's necessary to cram as much stuff as possible into every episode and then just rush through it. Also, Amy is seriously retarded.

The vampires
aliens looked pretty cool though.

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